purity-passion-power

2008-03-14T02:47:00.003+08:00

terminus.

This site has ceased to function.

Hop on over to thenovitasvitae @ wordpress.

2008-03-04T09:50:00.002+08:00

coming to a toilet near you..

2008-02-15T23:22:00.003+08:00

the next best option..

Your Amazing Grace helps me to sleep every night.

2008-02-07T22:59:00.001+08:00

as I wait....

Patience is coping with people's faults and failings.

Patience is controlling your attitude when you want to lose it.

Patience is not raising your voice when you're angry.

Patience is a soft answer.

Patience is giving people more time than you think you should.

It is bearing with people while they learn what you already know.

Patience will make you 'complete', the Bible says, 'lacking nothing.'

Patience is waiting for people and doing it with a great attitude.

Patience is not huffing, sighing, and 'losing it'.

Patience is ruling your spirit.

Be patient!

With others. With yourself. With God.

The timing of God is perfect.

by Phil Pringle

2008-02-03T02:44:00.000+08:00

gripe.

16 new ERP gantries with new fares of S$2 and increases of S$1 per turn?

Soon, you may wake up one morning and find one built right in front of your home.....

:: beep beep ::

:: argh! ::

2008-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

2008.

My singular wish for this year is for everyone I know to be truly happy.

2007-12-28T02:27:00.000+08:00

what more can I say?

received my results a while ago; almost couldn't believe it when I first took a look. I actually had to do a double take and confirm it was my name on that page. and afterwards, pure joy ensued.

as I mentioned earlier, the inherent uncertainty of not doing well, what with being away in the Army for years, having a hard time in JC, and the bad spate of events during the few months in school, had somehow led me to believe that I would average out this first try. and yes, I was afraid.

what more can I say? I would never have dreamed of ending my first semester in University with a GPA of 4.875 out of 5.

above anything and anyone else, thank You Lord. You are truly faithful.

Your joy is my strength! :-)

2007-12-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

this is your day!

on this day, I turn 22.

there is much to be said, countless things to reflect upon, and scores of people to thank.

without question, it has been a trying 365 days, and there were times I thought I had utterly failed.

but thank God for always giving me a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, and many, many more. thank You, for being the only One that never did let go.

and on this day, my immense gratitude extends to the greatest parents one could ever have, the couple who have toiled endlessly just to see me grow up to be who i am to be, imperfect and ever so flawed, but still very much their son. the ones who would first weep for me, and stay up just to cut the cake with me and sing me a birthday song, despite their age and embarrassment.

and to the most awesome Cell anyone could ever have: you are the joy of my heart.

to the significant few who stood by me and watched my smiles and tears, and love me for who I am - Fel, Kel, Sam, 'Sif, MJ, Will, ZP......

yes, to you, who have breathed new life into my soul, and caused me to believe in everything once again.

I truly believe I have found the 'Who's and the 'What's I need to live this life right.

to these, and the many more who have offered me a helping hand:
as I turn a year older, I am greatly humbled and incredibly moved by your love and devotion to an imperfect person growing to understand himself each and every day.

I thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

2007-12-06T16:34:00.000+08:00

leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again..

Time really does fly.

I had a wish to leave feeling at peace and at ease, but yet, I somehow feel shifty and troubled. There is just so much to leave behind, so many people to be concerned for, so many things yet unsettled -- the multitude of thoughts overwhelm.

I am truly emptied out, with little to say, except to reiterate on the familiar:
Be strong, ok? Not for me, well, yes, you could give me some 'face', but rather, for yourself.

The rains signal the end of the year and the end of a season. Christmas is coming by fast, and I will be a year older very, very soon.

I pray for the promises to come to pass, just as I always have. And for you too.

And so, it is time to go.

Goodbye.

2007-12-02T04:27:00.001+08:00

the amazing Photo Booth.

I've been attending many late night meetings the past week; during one of the sessions, we were waiting for everyone else to arrive, and so decided to try out the newly updated Photo Booth features on Mac OS X Leopard!

Here goes!

2007-12-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

the finished product. spiffy!

2007-11-28T16:24:00.001+08:00

the long wait..

I'm currently at the hair salon getting a new colour; been here for four hours already! Decided to take some pictures to entertain myself, else would definitely wither away due to boredom..

Shall update later if I can! ;-)

2007-11-25T11:42:00.001+08:00

30 days!

2007-11-21T00:59:00.000+08:00

the current memory.

Yes, a wacky old photo only just sent to me by S.H., to celebrate the end of the examinations!

And so, Semester 1 of my first year at the University has come to a close.

There is much to be said, of the countless nuances and details that litter every single day of those four months -- of pain, gain, and a whole host of stories untold. In a breath, I would say I'm glad it's over. The entire Back-to-School experience didn't go down too well with me; having been excluded from the educational framework for a good part of three years, I experienced, and to quote Kenneth, a very "rusty mind".

It seems like I went through a full lifetime these past four months, short as it may appear, there was just so much to deal with on a daily basis that it got pretty overbearing at times. Not to mention the period of the dark ages, but yes, that is pretty much history.

As I sit typing at my Macbook this hour past twelve, I am arrested by the tangible reminder of the many nights and early mornings spent keying away at my trusty computer, with it being the only companion I could hold by. The agonising memory of being subjected to the sheer helplessness of tending to flooding assignments and reviewing the hundreds of powerpoint slides coupled with having to deal with the other crazy things is still something that has yet to dissipate, but I am certain it will, sure as the sun will rise tomorrow morning.

This place in Varsity means a great deal to me, and because it means everything to my family, the responsibility of it all weighs even heavier. I truly regret the times I almost threw in the towel because of what was happening on the other end of life, but I'm glad I stood my ground, albeit wavering, but with gritted teeth chose the narrow path that I had to believe would lead me to the light, somehow. I have been pondering over the song Blue Sky, and it reminds me so of the ardent dreams I've always had.

All in all, I am thankful to the grace of God in leading me through. Only He knows the fullness of frailty, and His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. I was pondering on the grades I've achieved so far, and realised that when it comes to assignments, I have a lot to be thankful for: out of a total of eight assignment across five modules, I placed a total of 2 B-, 1 A-, 3 As and 2 A+. Not too bad at all for a first-timer eh?

That being said, there are still the results of the semestral examinations waiting to be unveiled. But for now, it is time to relax, recover and recharge.

First up tomorrow, lunch at Dempsey with three good people, shopping, video filming, dinner and perhaps a movie with N. More dinners to follow the next couple of days, plus a very possible tear-jerking scene at the airport. Ah yes, and birthdays.

And I'm not forgetting my focus on the CG. Much has to done this hols!

A real treat this December would be the trip Down Under, it is about time. I am sorry that I'll be missing out on a lot happening over here, but I need to do this for my brother. Hope to be back before Christmas and my 22nd, and am crossing my fingers that I will not have to wait until 2008 before flying back. That would be pretty nasty. Alas, at this moment in time, there is a ticket there, but not back.

Just a note for everyone of you:
When one door shuts in your face, another one will surely open.
And so, walk through it.

I guess it's time to turn in.

Goodnight folks. A brand new day awaits! Blue Skies! :-)

Blue Sky

In every heartbeat, lies a dream of greatness
And deep inside us, treasures unfold
Reaching for the treasures that shine above
I wanna live my life for all its worth

Every sunrise dawns a new beginning
And when the night comes, a fire burns within
Every day I live I wanna give
The very best of me
So let the dresm within come alive

Fly into the blue sky, soaring high above
Every cloud, every mountain, is a new horizon
Fly into the blue sky, reach for something more
And through it all, I will stand tall
I won't give up, I am stronger than before

I'll cross the line, leave my fear behind
Each step I take, I reach for greater heights
For in the end destiny is in my hands
This is my chance, I'll give the best I can

Fly into the blue sky, soaring high above
Every cloud, every mountain, is a new horizon
Fly into the blue sky, reach for something more
And through it all, I will stand tall
I won't give up, I am stronger than before

2007-11-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

Clowning Around At M&M's Wedding Dinner.

Just a lil' tipsy, which explains the wavering voice and crazy antics!

And you can tell that I was made to do it!

2007-11-05T03:08:00.000+08:00

Spectacular Saturday!

Happy Birthday. :-)

=]

my darlings. =>

forever & ever. =]

Six months. It's gonna be awesome! =]

2007-10-30T03:24:00.000+08:00

a picture post!

Despite the late hour, I decided to post some recent pictures to let all of you (especially those overseas) know how I'm doing. It's been nearly ten thousand light years since I uploaded any decent pictures here, so here goes nothing!

With Ed!

Gorgeous Kayla. =]

three pretty things!

the most adorable boy in the world. =]]

It's true that when one is forced into the tightest corner, shut out and left to be alone in the cold, and not given a real reason to carry on, something's just gotta give. I'm real glad I survived what could be very possibly be the greatest calamity ever, albeit much weakened, but braving the rain and walking. It still means everything to me, but there are just some things in life we will never understand. That's why God is good my dear friends. Only He gives you a second chance.

In other news, I'm glad I wrote that card. It meant a great deal to me; what was written, felt, and who it was sent to. =]

2007-10-25T11:25:00.000+08:00

spin city.

feeling incredibly dizzy right now.

woke up this morning feeling under the weather, and it seems to be getting worse as the day progresses. with the final exams in two weeks, this should not be happening.

I think more rest would help, but alas, there is hardly time to catch more than a wink or two.

may this day pass, speedily.

2007-10-22T00:02:00.000+08:00

starry skies.

from yesterday on, I pledged to be a Star Thrower once again.

and I hope we will all be, too.

no matter what it takes, the pain, tears and toil; it will be all worth it in the end.
what greater purpose could there be?

I'm regaining my foothold, slowly but surely, little by little, step by step.

Gid, Welcome Back.

2007-10-16T21:21:00.000+08:00

I can hardly wait!

2007-10-09T03:35:00.000+08:00

At A Certain Sushi Restaurant in SG..

G: May I have this Salmon Karaage set please?

Waiter: Sorry Sir, this one Out of Order.

G: I'm sorry??

Waiter: Oh..this one currently no more.

G: Erm....okay........

2007-10-03T03:40:00.001+08:00

mourning to morning..

it's you who have won my heart
taken me into your arms
comforted me like a friend

your love surrounded me from the start
i never want to be apart
from you ever again

2007-09-27T01:20:00.001+08:00

For One More Day

A perfect night
That day of spring
The month of May
With love to stay

Life's best gift yet
With its promise of provision and joy
When Fate came
And took my breath away

I still recall that river walk
With ardent wishes it would never end
The presence, the warmth
The simple bliss of joy and song

And then there was that sleepy night
Of ocean's calm and healing tune
Sparkling gaze under starry sky
Merged hands, joined hearts
Till death do us part

The times of strife
And sometimes pain
Could not remove
Love's enduring stain

The melody of the heart
Brought life, brought joy, brought love everlasting more
Anthems composed, the songs conjured
All brought a sense of endless worth

Then came the crunch
The tears tore through it all
A world stood in silence
Streams of grief marking the fall

The anguish, the pain
The torment, the shame
But no one meant for anything like this at all

A heart that bleeds
With an endless sting
Can you feel the wretched agony?

But still one waits
With a pleading strain
Hoping with all heart that's left
Found wanting and nothing more

Nor can this wait
Obliterate
The memories
Or Love's passion fade

Till the end of light and life
And the eyes see no more
And so the wait continues
Yea, for one more day...

2007-09-24T19:49:00.000+08:00

as my whole world fades away..

...

break my heart for what breaks yours

...

as i move from this earth into eternity.

2007-09-24T17:58:00.000+08:00

No Title.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his highth be taken.
Loves not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved (again).

Sonnet 116
William Shakespeare

2007-09-11T17:42:00.000+08:00

Of Waiting.

What does it mean to love, to live?
To embrace, to kiss?
What does it mean?
To lose someone, to be unsure of regaining them
To live a life, destitute and sorrowful
Full of confusion and regret?

The storm brings the rain,
And the bleeding sun blinds,
Casts a shadow of doubt upon the observer
When will we see the rainbow across the horizon?

The Odyssey

2007-09-09T13:21:00.000+08:00

Beautiful Song.

For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch, you set me free

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

For every mountain I have climbed
Every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without your love I would be lost

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

In this life, I was loved by you.

In his message, Nick reminded me how important it is to have love. Truly, with love, everything seems a breeze, everything seems so much easier, nothing seems impossible. And the opposite is true, when love is lost.

And he said two things: in life, every single person needs two things -
1. To be loved
2. To know that everything's gonna be okay.

M. shared with me the other day, of a vision she saw of a pool of tears welling up, and a desperate cry for release. I guess at the end of the day, we all realise that we are all social creatures, and one cannot do without the other.

One day, one day.....everything's gonna be okay.

2007-08-29T00:46:00.000+08:00

Secret Place

Lord of my life I love You
Lord of my days I trust in You
Living beneath the shelter of Your wings
My heart's safe

When I am lost You find me
When I am weak You shelter me
Lord of my life You are my secret place

Clothe me in Your presence Lord
Draw me near to You
All my heart I long to give to You
Living to be near You Lord
I long to see Your face
Lord forever You're my secret place

Inarticulateness is a heavy burden. I need to release some secrets.
When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I, simply I, come.

Accept it. Will you?

2007-08-05T03:57:00.001+08:00

Take Off My Shoes

I’ll take off my shoes, I’m coming in,
Untie this rope, I’m staying with him,
Love of my life, I’ll live and die,
Just for the moments for my king and I.

Why did you call, why did you wait,
For someone so guilty, someone so fake.
There are no words for my beautiful song,
Now I’m in the arms of my beautiful one.

Hold me, blow all the pride from my bones,
With your fire.
Hold me, breathe on this heart made of stone,
Keep it pure.
Hold me, saviour of heaven and earth,
King forever.
Hold me, love of my life lead me on,
Through the fire, lead me on...

I’ll take off this crown and fall at your feet,
The secret of joy are the moments we meet.
How could a man with all of your fame,
Pull me from darkness and call me by name.

So hold me today, as I carry your cross,
Into the desert to find who is lost.
Look at my hands, they’re still full of faith,
God keep them clean till we finish the race.

2007-07-07T02:29:00.001+08:00

reflections.

Got back a short while ago from Vincent's wake. Looking at the tears and frailty of the family members makes me treasure what I have all the more.

When death comes knocking at your door, it'll be too late to say your 'sorry' or 'goodbye'. Nor will you be able to mouth the words 'I love you'.

It's hard to swallow the reality that we are only human and have but a short time on this earth, until the harsher reality of mortality deals us a blow, and we are sent reeling from the stark clarity that what's lost, is lost, and can never come back.

We've all got to learn to better appreciate those around us, and give them the value they are worth. And there is no better time than now.

Now for sleep, before a busy weekend and a flight on Monday.

(When will I get to do my packing?)

2007-07-05T01:42:00.000+08:00

polyphagia.

I just returned home from supper feeling excessively bloated and guilty at the same time. There was a period at the beancurd stall, and then a visit to the dim sum stall. Like Paul would have said, Christ came into the world to save sinners (of gluttony), of whom I am chief. ;-)

Made a few overseas calls earlier on to catch up with a few friends, yes, I am eagerly anticipating your return! And may I take this time to welcome back my best friend, Mei, Emily and TK. And here's expecting a few more people!

Four days to take-off, and I have not begun packing. Any suggestions on items I may miss out?

Goodnight.

P.S. Jen, here's a hug. =]

2007-06-29T03:32:00.001+08:00

Inconsequential Consequences.

Ros
That's it, then, is it? (No answer, he looks out front.) The sun's going down. Or the earth's coming up, as the fashionable theory has it. (Small pause.) Not that it makes any difference. (Pause.) What was it all about? When did it begin? (Pause, no answer.) Couldn't we just stay put? I mean no one is going to come on and drag us off. . .They'll just have to wait. We're still young. . .fit. . .we've got years (Pause. No answer.) (A cry) We've done nothing wrong! We didn't harm anyone. Did we?

Guil
I can't remember.

Ros pulls himself together.

Ros
All right, then. I don't care. I've had enough. To tell you the truth, I'm relieved.

And he disappears from view.
Guil does not notice.

Guil
Our names shouted in a certain dawn. . .a message. . .a summons. . .there must have been a moment, at the beginning, where we could have said -- no. But somehow we missed it. (He looks round and sees he is alone.) Rosen -- ? Guil -- ? (He gathers himself.) Well, we'll know better next time. Now you see me, now you --

And disappears.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Eugene O'Neill

Much has transpired during the many days. I have been running the entire gamut of emotions, part of it due no thanks at all to the recent bout of illness I experienced and am still recovering from. Many things have been on my mind, and when I look back, the most glaring thing is that I have been going on and on and on and on and on.

The talk with Family the other day made me realise one thing: how much I have been missing out on what is and always has been important to me. A long time ago, I gave up the thought of living life for oneself, but rather, finding meaning in true living and all that it encompasses, not mere existence. And so I embarked on my own intrepid journey of self-discovery and discovering what lies beneath form and facade. I'm glad to say I have found much, but will not hide the fact that every winner comes out of battle victorious, but sadly, scarred.

The danger of being too well-versed with one's own craft is one that is but a glitch in itself: the familiar always stumbles. Sometimes, we become too good at doing certain things, such that one tends to forget, or rather, has come to forget the very reason why he or she set foot on that road in the first place. We become too professional, too sophisticated for our own good. For the Bible-toting Christian, call it Martha-fied if you will. Being too concerned with achieving the end has resulted in obsession with eventuality and not journey, form and not substance. At the end of the day, one simply becomes an extremely skilled machine capable of producing commendable results, but little emotion. Humanoid does not mean Human.

Over the past few months, it has been remarkably easy to get into motion, and be set in state for smooth delivery of everything worth mentioning. However, if there is little recollection of what really transpired, then work becomes merely work, living becomes mere living, existence is in itself a truth. If there is no invested memory, there is no investment at all.

After Menacing May '06, this year's proved to be a chart-topper. Willie, Willard and Willard II caused me to re-discover what it means to spend time with what you desire, and enjoy the deserving little treats in life. This could only be possible to Jen, Mel & Pam who made things happen for me. Thanks guys. A second thing was a first encounter, followed by a subsequent decision I made that I knew in my heart it would be one I would keep with every breath and ounce of strength I could muster.

Choices are easy to make, but never easy to keep. However, sometimes you wonder whether the reasons for Failure and Misunderstanding have anything to do with self, or more to do with the interaction of Self and Others. And it is precisely because we are all intricately wired up in our own little ways, which makes harmony a challenge. There has been much denial of oneself, and many a time, perhaps too often a time in fact, having to deal with the uncomfortable struggle of unknowing your placing and where you actually do stand. At times, it is good to be around, but at other times, it would be better to just keep away. So, what is?

This evening as I was out, I had the opportunity to reflect on a whole list of matters, and I'm extremely thankful for the upcoming trip to Taiwan. It will prove to be a great getaway from everything, and give me some room to collect my thoughts, walk on with my vision and have some time to myself. God knows I need it.

On the road home as Mic was sending me, I gazed out at the dim passing lights and easeful scenery, and fell in love with serenity all over again. Everyone deserves to be happy. And so, I will be.

2007-06-17T00:33:00.000+08:00

incognito.

It's been a tough week, and today has been a very tough day.

Murphy's law came into effect.

But I will press on. I've got to.

2007-05-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

V.

I can do all things.

It is time to Emerge.

2007-05-11T23:28:00.001+08:00

around my world in 365 days.

The month of May for the past two years was the toughest time of my life, more so for last year's.

And this explains my trepidation and uneasiness as April bowed out and ushered in the next month.

There is just so much that has to be said and understood, yet it cannot be so. A grey intensity flits past every now and then. Groanings which cannot be uttered? Pretty much so.

As I was telling W., I hope this month will breeze past, fast.

Every single day is a reminder to myself that when all else fails, like it did, I have only, and still have, myself and the few who are standing with me. The memory and recollection fill me with dread. One knows not the paramount importance of holding on to the little crumbling sand, until it becomes the key to keeping alive, and is the sole thing you know how to do, no longer by will, but primal instinct.

Even though it is tough, in fact very, I want to be able to tell myself that I am still able to muster up enough courage to smile and walk on.

Looking back, there is one surest thing I can say:

Thank God I'm still alive.

2007-04-19T18:42:00.000+08:00

on your big day.

Today is my best friend's birthday.

Despite the raging fever, I've just gotta get this down.

You've known me more than anyone else ever did. All that we've been through the last six years have brought us closer than ever before, and you and I both know that when everyone else fails to be around in one way or another, we'll still be there for each other.

Because that has always been the way it's been.

Thanks for understanding, knowing and appreciating each detail and nuance about me. Possibly the only one so far who understands all I am thinking without the need for words, you speak the unspoken tones straight from my heart.

Having stood the test of time, there's so much more to look forward to. Remember how so many have come and gone, and yet I still remain? Well, that's the way it'll always be, for you will always be in my heart of hearts.

Do come back soon.

In the meantime, have the best birthday, as only the greatest deserve.

Missing & loving you.

From 16 to 22, and beyond................

2007-03-27T13:03:00.000+08:00

the doggedness of happiness.

"Let’s look at this, make a good point of reminding ourselves the need to be at complete stillness, absolute silent contemplation of who we are. To stop moving every now and then; we need to heed the warnings our body indicates, to find our course, to scrutinize where we are headed, where we have been and what have we learned along this road. We need to take stock and check in with ourselves once in awhile and, above all, replenish our wherewithal.

In our daily notions of purpose or plain movement, we need to take note of how often we step off our path, stumble and remain traveling where our life’s map had not charted course. Whether it be in a job that holds no meaning or a relationship that carries too many burdens, even the heartfelt good deed that turns you into a person that you come to discover you no longer recognize. It is in silent contemplation with our authentic selves that we understand we are not in complete control of life – of our life – and in all that we do, we have purpose.

I think it is time we all quieted ourselves long enough to discern from the demands of plain survival in a world that perhaps was never ours to create, to start with: be silent and hear your purpose."

Alivia Riley, The Other Side of Life

Last evening, I paid a visit to the Boys' Home.

Stepping into the compound, I was arrested by the spartan concept of it all, a concrete expanse surrounded by foreboding walls, enclosure rather than home. It was sequestered unto itself, a sector constructed with the obvious intention to keep in than keep out.

Venturing deeper, the curious stares of a scattering of teenage boys accosted me, eyes which seemed to tell a story, more of sorrow than joy, a world lost to the ravaged experience of the atrocities of life. Perhaps some have not had visitors in a while, or maybe even none before. Mustering a smile and a certain bout of courage, I climbed up the bare and cold steps to the meeting place.

The sound of laughter, of which a couple sounded like intonations of uneasiness reached me before the pleasant warmth of the lamps. What met my eyes were rows of Alternatives, the one trained to teach, the one taught to listen, the one who decided to give, the one who decided to receive. Mentor, mentee, disciple, discipler, pedagogue, protege. What is?

Listed, paired, tagged, and so we sat side by side, observing each other with heightened senses, for he dared not look into my eyes. He looked prepared to run, a tense posture despite all the preparation. I couldn't help but gaze into those orbs, the windows to his soul. What was present was a resignation, but thankfully also a stubborn hope etched through countless therapy sessions and practised impressions of value.

And so the conversation began, much of it verbal, yet beyond that, we both knew there was so much more emotional groundwork that each of us was trying to place. Reserved smiles, polite gestures, informally formal speech, all of which served to bridge the gap, step by step, inch by inch.

Then came the end of time, or at least, the time each of us is appointed for every season and stage. We bid goodbye, with the obligatory yet heartfelt promise to meet again. A matter of preference, or conviction?

I left that dwelling place a whole lot wiser, Experience has undeniably taught me another great lesson. I just had to share, and told W. about it. The response?

"It's good to know that one does not know. That increases one's humility and desire to embrace."

Indeed, I embrace love. And I am thankful.

2007-03-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

who am i, that you call my name?

After this weekend, somehow it has all become clearer.

What lies ahead has taken on a certain sharpness and clarity. Knowledge takes on new ideas, matures with time, is translated into greater wisdom.

And so, what can you, and what do you ask for?

Popped by W's new place last evening. Thanks for the great hospitality. It was really nice. And yes, H., what would I do without you? =]

Earlier on, I was watching I, Robot on TeeVee, when a thought struck me; it has almost been a year. Over the many months, experience has been riddled with brief flashbacks of memory, momentary joy, grief, and a vast atmosphere of charged emotions.

What has passed is past, and all we ever need to do is to move on.

Life can only be understood by looking backwards, but must be lived forwards.

It's going to be a busy week for me, so here's hoping everyone will stay sane in a crazy world. There is just so much we can do in life, and for others.

I want to sing, until I am lost in your love. And all I ever need is you, for it is you who have won my heart.

2007-03-23T08:19:00.000+08:00

part & parcel.

Hi.

It's been some time.

Well, this might last for a slightly longer time. hee.

Very nearly got run over by a huge bike two days ago.

Clumsy me was humming a long-forgotten tune and cleanly missed out on the traffic. Stepped onto the road, and jumped back a few seconds later upon hearing a loud buzz-horn right next to my ear. Bike was a hair's length away.

Thank You for protection.

Work has been smooth-sailing, and there have been merciful times with the children. Should anyone like to experience a potent synthesis of joy and terror at the same time, try teaching. Guaranteed rewards after prolonged periods of selling your soul would be sore throat, tonsilitis, and hopefully (not) throat cancer.

Everything has been running along well, save for the pervasive mad rush I never seem to be able to shake off. The greatest challenge would be growth in ministry, and the second, a most silly and awfully embarrassing one: not falling asleep on buses, getting off ten stops after the appointed one, and having to trot or take another bus all the way back.

The months have simply flashed past, and here we are, at the end of the first quarter already. That would be rather dreadful to imagine (yet not entirely, since it is a reality), if not for the blessed truths of gainful employment and fraternal living.

Life is truly all about living beyond existence, hyper-imagination, past reality, freedom from self, and lost to others.

And every time I look into your eyes, I see a glimpse of what I always wanted to be.

ta! =]

2006-12-23T20:06:00.000+08:00

the greatest love of all.

On my 21st birthday, Mum wrote me a note.

God Bless You

Though it seems
Like only yesterday
When you sat upon my knee,
Oh such sweet, sweet memori8es
That you have given me.
And it seems like only yesterday
When you began to talk
And your tiny hands
Combined with mine
To help you learn to walk.
As precious years have come
And gone
I've treasured each,
And watched you grow.
I love you more than words can say.
God bless you, each and every day.

-Georgia Barinetti

If there's only one person I could thank, it would be Mum. Thanks for everything, the love, the smiles, the years. Thanks, for life.

2006-10-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

verily.

every day, I am able to laugh at yesterday.

and that's good news.

2006-09-18T17:35:00.000+08:00

do you believe in magic?

The gypsy wrapped him in the frightful climate of his look before he turned into a puddle of pestilential and smoking pitch over which the echo of his reply still floated: "Melquíades is dead." Upset by the news, José Arcadio Buendía stood motionless, trying to rise above his affliction, until the group dispersed, called away by other artifices, and the puddle of the taciturn Armenian evaporated completely. Other gypsies confirmed later on that Melquíades had in fact succumbed to the fever on the beach at Singapore and that his body had been thrown into the deepest part of the Java Sea. The children had no interest in the news. They insisted that their father take them to see the overwhelming novelty of the sages of Memphis that was being advertised at the entrance of a tent that, according to what was said, had belonged to King Solomon. They insisted so much that José Arcadio Buendía paid the thirty reales and led them into the center of the tent, where there was a giant with a hairy torso and a shaved head, with a copper ring in his nose and a heavy iron chain on his ankle, watching over a pirate chest. When it was opened by the giant, the chest gave off a glacial exhalation. Inside there was only an enormous, transparent block with infinite internal needles in which the light of the sunset was broken up into colored stars. Disconcerted, knowing that the children were waiting for an immediate explanation, José Arcadio Buendía ventured a murmur: "It's the largest diamond in the world."

"No," the gypsy countered. "It's ice."

José Arcadio Buendía, without understanding, stretched out his hand toward the cake, but the giant moved it away. 'Five reales more to touch it,' he said. José Arcadio Buendía paid them and put his hand on the ice and held it there for several minutes as his heart filled with fear and jubilation at the contact with mystery. Without knowing what to say, he paid ten reales more so that his sons could have that prodigious experience. Little José Arcadio refused to touch it. Aureliano, on the other hand, took a step forward and put his hand on it, withdrawing it immediately. 'It's boiling,' he exclaimed, startled. But his father paid no attention to him. Intoxicated by the evidence of the miracle, he forgot at that moment about the frustration of his delirious undertakings and Melquíades' body, abandoned to the appetite of the squids. He paid another five reales and with his hand on the cake, as if giving testimony on the holy scriptures, he exclaimed:

"This is the great invention of our time."

One Hundred Years of Solitude
Gabriel García Márquez

--------------

Isn't this extraordinary? José Arcadio Buendía detaches himself from his worldly obligations and inherent responsibility as father and provider at the sight of an object which brings him an unimaginable hope; the beauty and simplicity he has always desired fuse to provide him with a glimpse of what he has always deemed unreachable with regards to himself.

And that is what some of us are like: wandering shadows slipping through the portals of time and indecision, without the discernment of what we need and what we want, and upon seeing something better, more beautiful, more unreachable than we are, we blindly pursue after it, completely oblivious to the goals, commitment and dreams we have painstakingly built up over the years.

Yet, the material fades away, albeit after a long time, but it does. In our impatience to see the eternal come to pass, we forget that the invisible is immaterial, and cannot, will not, and refuses to be judged and measured by the standards of the material.

And that makes what we already have, and hope for, all the more precious.

Helen Keller once said, "The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision."

How true.

Márquez. Magic Realism.

Fascinating.

2006-09-14T21:37:00.000+08:00

"excuse me, are you a Singaporean?"

Sam is operationally ready as of today.

He came to bid me farewell, but what was meant to be a short goodbye turned out to be a two hour-long chat. It was rather insightful, and I believe the both of us have something to take away from it. At the end of the talk, I am glad to say that I have received a fresh burst of inspiration all over again, and that the vision I had has become all the more lucid. It's amazing how it works: when you place focus upon what seems to have dimmed, new breath and life spring into it, and it makes me believe beyond a shadow of doubt that the decisions I have made are meant to stay, work, and bring me where I wish to be brought.

In the midst of S2006 now, and this project is something every Singaporean can, and should be proud of, because of the boundaries that have never been crossed before, and the challenges unsurpassed. Personally, dealing with it administratively can be harsh; the mental workload can make you go a little mental (pun unintended). I got a rather unusual break from the technicalities with the trip to the hotels and airport with Boss last week. Being an observer, I guess I was simply doing my job detailing the manner in which he carried out his duties. Impressive.

Laborious issues aside, I got on to the lighter side of things by doing some retail therapy at the terminal. Buying a fountain pen and a refill for my ballpoint could never get any more bizzare, having to witness an example of a disgruntled salesgirl bad-mouthing her co-worker, which was pretty intense. at the cashier's, I had an exchange with a little British lady, and she was telling me how nice it was to be able to read The Daily Telegraph, having been away from the United Kingdom for a while. I queried where she was heading, Langkawi. And so I went on to banter about the ridiculous size of the bald eagle overlooking the sea, and yada yada. As she made her payment, she commented, "You speak very good English." To be honest, before I could decide whether or not to be flattered, this Singaporean cashier, obviously having heard the lady and being utterly Singaporean, began to accost her with a high-pitched and piercing falsetto. I was of course, rather disgusted.

It gets me wondering a fair bit, because one way to read the Brit's comment would be the implication that Singaporeans suffer from a inability to speak Queen's English, or maybe even English can may be understood internationally. I have heard of laughable incidents where Americans and Britons alike found our speech quite impossible to understand, and these incidents I thought were fictitious until last week. This also brings to my mind what MJ told me the other day: when she went over to Sydney, her unassuming Aussie friends asked her innocently, "Do you speak Singaporean??" Yes, horrified would be an apt word to describe my reaction.

Looking back, I recall the time years back when Yun was astonished that I maintained a decent two-hour phone conversation without a word of Mandarin, and those plain queer moments when I speak English to certain people and get retorts in Mandarin. However, I've come to realise ever since enlistment, my small talk has become inclusive of the wonderful Mother Tongue, in order to communicate effectively with a larger audience. I do quite believe that this is necessary for better communication; a while back I was reading an article on how the human mind subconsciously chooses and frames words and sentences to create different atmospheres.

For example, in an argument of which a person attempts to assure the other party he is not mad, he might say, "No leh, I'm not angry mah." On the other hand, "No, I'm not angry," might go terribly wrong, with the other individual having the misguided opinion that the first person is simply trying to hide his anger.

So really, communication, not just words and plain talk, can very possibly lie herein a suited choice of words, and more often than not the inclusion of multiple languages to regulate formality.

Moving on, I have to commit this space here to mentioning that I have made a probable, and perhaps plausible change to S' working life from now on. It certainly doesn't feel like the wisest choice at such a time, but I believe in it. We'll see what happens a month from now.

It's been a long week, albeit four days, but long. I've pledged myself to a little bit of strange acting during the weekend, let's hope it turns out fine with me all blurry-eyed.

And this must be my longest post for the longest time.

2006-09-09T14:44:00.000+08:00

technology, my bane.

and so my beloved handphone, who has braved literal fire, tear gas, rain, seawater, typhoons and milo, and travelled with me to various parts of Asia, has finally succumbed and descended to the grave.

that means that the 1182 contact numbers I had in my phone have similarly perished. to date, I have managed to secure 200 numbers, and I have a loooooooooooong way to go. so please, do me a favour, and leave me your number, in whichever way possible.

thank you.

2006-09-03T16:07:00.000+08:00

unchartered possibilities.

the discussion over supper was a fruitful one, and rather revelatory.

truly, the notion of 'possibility' leaves room for an even greater number of possibilities, with the many paths available, what determines Choice and Decision may very well lie in the choices made in the past. taking a step back, with detailed observance and studied interest, may do wonders to heal the soul. misunderstanding and belittled judgment then become transparent, and foolishness even more so, for one finally realises that in allowing himself to take a breather, he actually has a choice, a wholly different path he may take.

thank you W.

2006-08-02T19:26:00.000+08:00

quickie!

I'd like so much to talk about Magnificent July, but I'm quite tired from all the activities. I shall share more at a better time, but what has happened has been nothing short of awesome!

doors have been opening, and as I begin to take a further step to enter, my world simply dazzles with all that is in store, and there's so much more yet to come.

though I'm exhausted and down with a cold, nothing will stop me from saying this: I'm awfully proud to be connected with a stellar bunch of people. they indeed are good and perfect gifts from Heaven above!

apart from that, Will has given me great insight on things. it's wonderful to be able to share and express thoughts on a deeper level. I recall Dr. A. R. Bernard's point about surrounding yourself with a circle better than yours, so that you can go higher. thanks!

hmm, I would also like to apologise to all my friends who have been asking me out, but I have to turn them down with much embarrassment. it's a time of hard, hard work for me, and there are so many things to see to. admittedly, the responsibilities have increased, time gets shorter, sleep gets lesser; but greater responsibility demands greater sacrifice, and thankfully greater rewards. I'm also grateful towards Pups, with the sentence "I do understand, don't worry!" yesterday, that really does assure me.

a busy week beckons, but joy all the same! so join me on this spectacular journey, because glory is released through work!

I am thankful, and tremendously blessed. :)

2006-07-24T18:36:00.000+08:00

a man without a future will always go back to his past.

2006-07-23T22:12:00.000+08:00

hahaha

breakthrough is here!

get ready for a new move!

2006-07-19T16:11:00.000+08:00

the temporal.

three of my friends each had a relative who passed away either yesterday or today.

that's quite a number for two days.

life is remarkably short, will you know when yours will end? realising this, I guess all of us should wisen up a little, and comprehend that all those wonderful plans and great future, what we thought we could have, finances, time, relationships, knowledge, beauty, could vanish in a single instant. and it would be too late for regrets.

and so, here's a nugget: start bracing up to make every moment count, because you may not see that person anymore tomorrow, you may not hear that voice, gaze upon that face, stay in that embrace.

treasure what you have, even what you've lost and put behind. because you never know when you'll stop having a chance to love, cherish, hate and forgive.

2006-07-16T00:37:00.000+08:00

His Eye is On the Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart be lonely
And long for heav'n and home
When Jesus is my portion
My constant Friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
For His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

"Let not your heart be troubled"
His tender word I hear
And resting on His goodness
I lose my doubts and fears
Tho' by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

Whenever I am tempted
Whenever clouds arise
When song gives place to sighing
When hope within me dies
I draw the closer to Him
From care He sets me free

His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

2006-07-14T00:41:00.000+08:00

glimmer.

I was by the waters the other night, but what I was looking at weren't the rippling pools, nor the calming rise and fall of the waves, but rather, upward.

the endless skies opened before me, a rapturous swirl of purple and white, blanketing across the horizon with sparks of radiance. majestic looming clouds, two of them, parted to reveal the wondrous gleam of the waning moon. but what amazed me more, was the rapid fly-past of the heavenly mist, entwining to form a miasma of colour and brilliance, with the faint envelope of the distant star giving its eternal shine upon the earth.

magical.

and that got me singing quite a bit. perched comfortably upon the slab of stone, with the blissful breeze whistling through my ears, song mingled with the breath of nature. it was..genuine.

enraptured.

thank you.

2006-07-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

keep running. pray do.

I came across something last night, and I must say that I am disappointed.

not having read, heard or seen anything for quite a while, I wonder why I went somewhere unfamiliar, not quite been there before, and saw something that caused me to grieve. I know I won't be perusing any responses, or even try to look for any, so this really is for me to air what's inside of me.

I don't have many words. but I am disappointed, and yes, sad, because I see a life in progress of healing regressing to such a state because of certain choices made. I really wonder, does that make you happy at all? I think you're better at knowing than me, that living in the world only makes one filled with bitterness, regret, and pain. so why go back to the old lifestyle once again? exchange a life on the road to recovery with low-living, is it worth it?

I guess I feel grieved, because you are slowly becoming the very person you hated and said you wouldn't become; one that is worldly, one that loves the material, one that doesn't give two hoots about tomorrow. that is shallow. and it isn't you, at all.

can you really see purpose in all this? can you even see yourself in all this? coming this far, only to fall again, is possibly one of the greatest tragedies. living in the past, will you step out of it once and for all?

I don't know about anything else, but I sincerely believe there is still something in you, a sliver of reason, a measure of self-worth, a dose of love, that tells you there surely is something better than this. don't give up on what is better just because of your disappointments and your past.

don't go back. don't go back to the old life. it will bring you only sorrow and pain. you know that better than I do.

it isn't worth it, and you're better than this. you are.

my burden, love, and concern for you are everlasting. take heed, that you still do matter to someone, rain or shine. and that's a promise that lasts.

remember the song? keeping 'running the race'. tired as you may be, it's still possible. and I will be one of those to help you finish your course.

don't take this the wrong way, I care more than you thought possible.

whatever it is, know one thing, that my heart is still with you.
take care.

2006-07-06T20:21:00.000+08:00

fervour.

I've not recovered from the fever. but yes, pressing on, pressing on..

I just have to take this down. the time out last evening left an impression on me. Lee was asking me to share about my experiences in the ministry, and as I was speaking, I could sense this remarkable passion within him, and it reminded me so much of when I first started out. I still recall how I was only fifteen, and yet never too young to dream big dreams for the Lord. simply coming to Church on weekends filled me with a remarkable sense of joy, it was the sheer knowledge that I was in a place filled with all I could ever hope or wish for. being an Obed-Edom, voluntering for anything necessary, even the unnecessary, that river began to pour and never did it run dry. just running, running with the Holy Spirit. such an adventure. it was incredible.

years now, I think I've grown up quite a bit. I guess I'm what they would call a embattled warrior, one who has gone through the cuts, bruises and fights in life. truly, much has happened over the past few years, some things perhaps few would have gone through. near death experiences, broken relationships, disappointments and numerous defeats, of which their causes are not for me to discuss at length. even the past few months have served their due return upon me. life is my second best teacher, and what it has taught me: I indeed have an uncompromising attitude.

in reflection, much of what I do revolves around this discourse: an undying, unrelenting fight to never give up. be it religion, people, work, relationships, I always ask, "Why not?" perhaps I seem foolish, yes, perhaps I do. afterall, which bloke insists on the impossible all the time? but hey, I guess if it were anything less, it wouldn't be me to give it mention.

I've been insistent, and this is probably the reason why I make very good friends and very good enemies, too. because I never (and maybe there is a refusal to involved) to compromise on what I believe can be done. I insist on hurts being able to be healed, forgiveness to be meted out, hearts to mend, broken lives to be restored. I insist on dreams, the better life. I insist on love in its entirety - accepting flaws, second chances, reconciliation, restoration.

recently, I was told that I was thought of as complete, good enough. and then, it seemed it wasn't quite so. I pondered about it, and I began to wonder wherever that idea came from. strangely, I always knew myself to be inadequate and incomplete to a humblest order. and that's precisely the reason why I need God and people. my family, my friends, my members know that about me. now isn't that the case for everyone else? if you cannot accept imperfection in a seemingly perfect being, boy, are you going to be disappointed. because it is telling of the fact that one cannot accept oneself, and therefore looks to seeing the perfection in others oneself hopes for but cannot have.

pretty much established, I am quite imperfect, and no qualms about it. :) what matters is that I'm working towards completion. and so, I'll become better and better, and one day, worthy.

innocence, virtue tested.

Lee, I'm on my way back. Thank you. I'm coming home.

2006-07-02T01:34:00.000+08:00

early in the morning.

it was wonderful to be out with the guys. it has been quite a while, I guess ever since Mei left for Down Under. I'm real glad she's back, albeit for a short while, but time to be treasured all the same.

initial plan was to go slow at the Botanical Gardens, but an apparent love for better lighting and my growling tummy called for contingencies. the pizza place at Sixth Avenue proved a little too distasteful, with the cook taking a cringeworthy pick at his (!) nose. we settled for a thai restaurant off-street, the dishes were simple but appetising. a laughable incident would be the one when I asked the waitress, "Is your tom-yum very spicy?" and she rewarded me with an utter look of mixed dismay and confusion. I wonder why. and so I went on with another question, "Is that too tough a question?" with a quizzical look to match her bewilderment. an amusing exchange. and yes, she was very nice; served me with generous helpings of rice ungrudgingly.

ice-cream at Venezia was a treat, the unrelenting heat is still something to reckon with in the evenings. I had Durian Supreme and Tatufor, the latter a frozen version of Ferror Rocher. nice. other customers included Mark Chay and a quadruplet of middle-aged ladies who looked happy as can be.

it was a delightful evening.

Pastor Tan gave a word in season this afternoon, and I am glad that through the word, I have experienced great release. also, Mum told me earlier that it really is about doing your part, doing what you can, and whether others see your heart, that isn't something within your control. so yes, I believe I've done my best.

July 1st is Daddy's Birthday. Happy Birthday Dad! my parents are the greatest people God has given to me. through sunshine or rain, they'll always be there. even as I was preaching to the members on the Fatherhood of God earlier on, it is remarkably timely, that I am reminded that however imperfect the actions may be, the love is, and always will be perfect. Thank you Dada. :)

alright, gotta take a bath and nurse my sunburnt skin now. thanks to D., I've gotten a shade darker. but the sun has done me good!

just to add, the OSIM Triathlon was fun. thanks Boss.

and so, next week!

2006-06-20T15:02:00.000+08:00

carnivale.

friday night was spent in the company of Em & friends at The Dining Room, Raffles Town Club. it wasn't an official send-off for her, and farewell certainly wasn't on my mind. rather, the thought of spending some quality time was all that mattered. the food was great, and the bill, well, greater literally. I could buy a cow and its siblings with 430 dollars.

highlights of the meal were escargot, foie gras, avocado cream, crêpes in various wines and yes, mango soufflé. notice that all of those are dessert or side dishes. I didn't quite like my main course, whole chicken, though marinated with wine, chicken reminds me very simply of the infamous cookhouse menu. Mel's codfish was a treat. the salad greens really helped in assuring me that I'm not on my way to be a full-fledged carnivore.

and now for the pictures.

well, yeah, I guess I do look tired in those pictures. and tiring it has been indeed, running along the gamut of emotions. as I was eating, I recalled how the 16th of June would mean 21 years and 1 month. no wait, it means more than the time. it means the world to me, because of what it encompasses.

I'm waiting.

2006-06-19T13:51:00.000+08:00

dizzy spells.

it must be the curry.

I'm having the runs now, in addition to the giddiness since yesterday. there're flames in my belly, and I feel delirious. and faint.

it's awful.

2006-06-19T08:21:00.000+08:00

of wistfulness.

the lonesome figure stood upon the mound
a heap of memory and bitter regret
pondering, wondering
giving a little sigh
for he knows not when the sun will shine

tears trickle steadily down
like rivulets birthed from the storm
yet wash away the pain they fail
the heart is steadfastly staked

when will the rainbow appear?
one can only hope
one day, sunshine, it may
appear on the horizon once again

2006-06-16T10:17:00.000+08:00

from dusk till dawn.

reclining in my armchair, gazing at the glistening raindrops all but a few feet away, I reminisce the beauty of simplicity.

virtue, innocence tested.

once, I believed in the purity of man, in his need for restoration and reconciliation. because there is an inherent need in every one of us to mend, to rend, to heal. however, does that encompass a complete obliterative disregard of the joy and happiness that was? instead, does the focus have to be on the sorrowful? I guess I'll never understand the apparent triumph of remembering pain rather than joy.

herein lies one's objectives: you either love to lose, or you lose to love. sometimes, sacrificing one's time, energy and all is all worthwhile. but when it is seen as foolishness, because what really matters to another person is personal edification, making someone else happy is but secondary, then the notion of love is regrettable. for what is love, if it is about fulfilling one's own desires before all others? true living is when you live beyond yourself.

looking back, it does seem that even my own past was such. years ago, a period where everything I did, said or chose to feel was about me, myself and I. and yes, I say choose to feel, because how you feel is more often than not just an instinctive feeling, rather, it is a choice which occurs in your thought form. well, that was plain sad. at the end of the day, I'll come to realise that my life is all but a manipulative journey, a mere shadow of the wondrous dreams and goals I once had. you choose people, objects, ideals and morals for convenience, not conviction. because when you are in the centre of the equation, everything else means zero. life may seem great, but in fact, it is as stable as a reed in the wind.

I've chosen something more than myself, and I'll stick to that choice.

life - more than the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the people we hang out with. when all that is temporal fades away, what remains? if the superficial defines us, we in turn become superficial, and the rather unfortunate thing is, we all claim we want to be ourselves and no one else. really?

perhaps one day the brilliant robin will come to realise, that it really isn't all about leaving the confinment of the cage. it isn't all about re-discovering or hiding oneself after all the pain, or having a change of lifestyle to facilitate the ignorance of feelings. because when you force yourself not to feel, you're merely deviating further and further away from who you are. one day, perhaps one day, you will find true release in the one who remains true, and waiting.

freedom and liberty come about, when one is brave enough to deal with one's insecurities, fears, and the courage to reconcile for a brighter day.

maybe, just maybe, the memory of a forgotten past will once again evoke a little magic, to bring about that familiar wafting scent, comfort, pure bliss.

and so, the rain goes on.

2006-06-16T10:06:00.000+08:00

polling time.

Sampups is one of my closest friends, and I'm glad that she's in the Top 10 for the Osim uZap Superstar contest. as much as I dislike the title of the contest (uZap??), I wish with all my heart that she gets the crown. well, as H. has said, this one seems to be in the bag already!

now, don't squint. here she is:

give her your support and votes, text 73388:

8U 8 8512345I M Your Name e-mail@youre-mail.com.

The contest will be held tomorrow at 3pm at Suntec City.
see you there.

2006-06-13T11:27:00.000+08:00

...

2006-06-12T17:26:00.000+08:00

this Journey.

The long and winding road that leads to your door
Will never disappear, I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Leads me to your door

The wild and windy night that the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears, crying for the day
Don't leave me waiting here
Let me know the way

Many times I've been alone, and many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried

But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here, a long long time ago
Don't leave me standing here
Lead me to your door. . .

2006-05-05T08:05:00.000+08:00

a trifle truffle.

it's been a while.

I've been very busy, and all that I can recall right now from the Whirlwind of Memory is the blood I donated, the sample given for bone marrow donation, leading a part of cell group meetings, a rather serious bout of flu, my guppy giving birth, and a very special day at the start of May.

other than that, everything else whizzes past.

but something remains: the rich, fragrant aroma of home-made chocolates.

may every one of you find hope and purpose, just like I have.

life is amazing, and there is such a great future to look forward to. =)

2006-04-11T09:48:00.000+08:00

aloha and welcome!

Boss got me Mauna Loa Dry Roasted Macadamias from Hawaii.

here's what it says on the cover:

Aloha and Welcome!

There is no place on earth that can match the climate on the Big Island of Hawaii...the volcanic soil, rich in nutrients, the sunshine, and the tropical rain, enable the growth of the world's finest macadamia nuts.

In 1946 Mauna Loa planted our first macadamia tree on the Big Island of Hawaii. Today, we nurture and harvest over a million macadamia tress!

Mauna Loa is named after the world's largest volcano on the Big Island of Hawaii. It is here where the rich volcanic soil and perfect climate create the most ideal place to produce one of the most highly prized nuts in the world.

Whether covered in creamy milk chocolate, savoury Maui Onion & garlic, sweet honey, rare Kona coffee, or lightly salted with sea salt, you are sure to enjoy Mauna Loa macadamia nuts - one of the great treasures of Hawaii.

--

hmm. sounds really good. but I think I'll bring it home to share it with my family. It's kinda meaningless to enjoy something alone, sharing brings about greater warmth and happiness.

my curious self led me to read up on the (why big?) Island of Hawaii and Mauna Loa. beautiful. and the contrast of beauty with the looming volcano signifying destruction is amazing. God is a marvellous Creator.

Max called me last night from Tekong, I'm so glad that he's doing well over there. Initially, I was a little worried for him, afterall, he hasn't been exposed to all this, and no one really can get used to a regimental lifestyle. can they? every one of us has a human side after all. at the end of the day, it is compassion and love that win the game.

I've been wanting to get to know more people, and even better for those who I already know; people are my passion, and conviction. and I feel bad when I realise that I neglect and have ceased to pay attention to a lot of things, people and detail like I used to. that's terrible. however, my awful schedule doesn't allow me much room for new things, or other things......or anything. shall see what I can work out.

we're in the semi-rainy season now, and I say that because the weather's been rather erratic. it rains, pours, and then the heat envelopes and scorches the land (including myself). and so, I strongly recommend good, and adequate rest for every one of you. merciless weather, this.

2006-04-07T15:05:00.001+08:00

standing ground.

H. came over to ask me out for breakfast. as I got up to leave, he asked me an entirely innocent question - why are you listening to the chinese station on the radio? now that got me thinking, because I don't listen to chinese stations. in fact, I don't even listen to the radio.

and there I was, asking myself, why do you leave the chinese station on-air when you aren't paying any attention, don't listen, and don't wish to listen to it? why even turn the radio on, like you do everyday?

all of us are creatures of habits, and because our habits are familiar cycles, sometimes we don't realise their existence. thus, the habit becomes more like a chronic disease: you can't seem to get rid of it, but what's worse, you don't even know you're stuck with it.

because we don't question our actions, we have no intentions, and therefore no motives. this is what makes life mundane: not taking time to assess our current ground, and always eagerly looking outwards to every other piece of land. grumble and complain we may, we never do realise that if we don't start walking, we'll always be holed up over here. your surroundings never change, because your direction doesn't.

I've switched channels, now. =)

oh, and Doctor Suzuki is quite, quite wrong. you don't have to understand death to know life. dead men tell no tales, and they sure wish they were living.

live to love, and love to live.

2006-04-06T08:18:00.000+08:00

have you?

always, always check before you leave.

check that you still have with you everything you had before you got onto transport, check that you're going to the right place, check that you're right on time.

I didn't check, and the result was that I travelled quite a few miles, only to realise I was scheduled for Evaluation next week. the disappointment was obvious, but the key sentiment that took hold of me was, stupidity.

so yes, for your sake and mine, check, and check again.

2006-04-02T01:35:00.000+08:00

Eden.

Perfection saw itself in you
Creation, its being too
Sinuous rills which anchored life
A magic world without strife

The entrance of light brings revelation
Of wondrous stories never spoken
Beauty and grace captivated
In a world of song and radiance

Man, its highest, yet Man, its fall
All end in one, one ends in all
Vacant tunes and faded hues,
Majesty rings its strained volume

And so the tale does carry on
Years that search, yet end in wrong
For who can fathom the deepest truth?
That love and joy; no easy song

020406.0146

2006-03-30T11:48:00.000+08:00

post-mortem.

are we moved only by the things we see?

the mind is powerful, it allows us to imagine, invent, even re-create. but does it always do so? a while back, I was momentarily moved by the re-visit of the past, life-sized, in full splendour and technicolour. or so it seemed. and that was soothing, for all of a few days. soon, that dullness set in, and shades of grey filled all that was. and it was then that I knew that what I thought I wanted, couldn't get hold of, and finally did, actually didn't really matter much to me anymore.

or did it matter in the first place?

when time passes us by, that kairos moment lost, could it be possible that all that was meant to be has faded into nothingness, because it has been made history? for history is history, re-live the moment at best we try, but only a mere shadow of the former. glory is lost, and along with it meaning.

in our vain attempts to find meaning in life, perhaps the very reason why it is so elusive, lies therein the fact that meaning is created when we find ourselves in what we have always desired. and because we don't exactly know what we want due to the shifting values and morals, we don't find any meaning. what's worse, we discover the horrifying fact that our character and values are subject to our circumstances.

and so, what was never is, what is may not necessarily be what we perceive as we venture a little way further down that road.

2006-03-17T20:38:00.000+08:00

He is the Reason.

this song has constantly been on my mind. learnt when I was still a child, and now as I'm older, the truth about life manifests itself through this.

He gives boldness to carry on, the full assurance of peace, and is The Reason for life itself.

it couldn't be any simpler, not is there anything more profound.
for such is life, living in the knowledge that whatever may come tomorrow, nothing really can get too bad, because I come home to Jesus.

Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the livin' just because He lives

2006-02-26T17:29:00.000+08:00

thus forth:

"If My passion doesn't become your passion, there will be no passion among men."

2006-02-19T20:12:00.000+08:00

just an afterthought: my secondary school teacher pronounces 'facade' as 'fer-Cade'.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=gid

2006-02-16T20:17:00.000+08:00

umm.

for the first time in quite awhile, I'm in camp on a weeknight.

Boss stayed till late, and decidedly I did too, since tomorrow's a friday. may I say 'yay'? work has been tiring, but I can't say it's unfulfilling. it's rather true I'm doing what most soldiers have never done, and admittedly the job scope is a whole lot different. having an office job would seem like the best thing to have in the military, then again the paperwork and ad-hoc 'missions' can get quite daunting. and draining.

take today for example. I've just ended an 11-hour workday! and there's still work to be done! (cue intense agonised groaning and squealing) I went to take a shower, and lo and behold, here I am back at the office, again! somehow, I feel exorably drawn to the stillness and quiet that I've grown to both love and loathe..

the past two weeks have been h-e-c-t-i-c. more outings, dinners, movies, people, giving Bible Study classes, zone meetings, leadership classes, running to and fro and work, work and more work. but I'm not complaining. I like an active life.

I feel kind of spaced out now. abbreviations crowd, cloud and reduce my mind to mush.

what am I even saying?

pardon the exclamations.

...

oh. the realisation that my office has tivo just flew right smack into my face. american idol sounds good.

2006-02-05T21:02:00.000+08:00

gonna paint this big ol' town red.

I've had a nice weekend.

lunch with Commander and the KAHs was fun. some of them brought their babies; very adorable, 'cept for CPT Lee's which is yet born, but I'm sure he'll turn out a darling. what made the luncheon a memorable one was the sight of Comd's many artworks: sunflowers, dandelions, old towns and taverns. a real treat to behold, and add to that the realisation that Boss is quite the all-rounder. amazing.

Delirious? is here for the weekend, and boy, did we have a wonderful time! Martin Smith and his band don't appear in this region of the world often, and when they do, you can be sure that the crowd's gonna go wild. and we did. it was a much treasured moment in the presence of God, worshipping in freedom and spirit, and yes, without the bondages of social convention and perspective. they might be here again next year. and then there's the Newsboys, Steve Curtis Chapman, Hillsong and Christian City Band!

I'm glad Kel came last night. it's been a month since we last met, and he's someone very dear to me. well, we've promised to meet up sooner and more often, so that's great. went to the airport for Popeye's Chicken with him and Ed. nice, real nice.

Cell today was joined by new members, and they're all very pleasant people. I'll have to say it'll take a notable stretch in capacity for all of us even as we gear up for multiplication, but it is possible, and it will happen. so let's go for it!

alright, I apologise for typing this rather haphazardly, but I'm currently working on a 2,500-word essay. have completed one half of it the last hour, and I've been milked to the limit. a few hundred pages of pure, uninteresting data to peruse; I've opted to skim instead. skim & milk. hmm. haha.

a brand new week, whatever lies ahead, let's look forward to it. my next three nights will be characterised by dinners, movies, prayer meetings and classes. I pray for strength.

2006-02-03T22:15:00.000+08:00

yakkety-yak-yak-yak.

recently, I came to know of the greatest nag in the whole world.

because of confidentiality and I being in contact with her possibly for the rest of my term in the Brigade (read: brevity), let's call her Ms. S. now this lady here has been working in the SAF for more than twenty years, and has a wealth of an experience. she's quite sweet actually, save for the rather unfortunate fact that she's a nag. yes, a nag. if you know me any better, you'll know naggy nag nags are one of the things I hate with a vengeance. just like bad smells. or almond pudding. but that's besides the point. I do understand why sometimes people nag: because the object of their nagging doesn't get the point. however, the difference lies herein that Ms. S nags because she expects someone who has been in the office for a grand total of two days to know how to go about doing everything. logically speaking, that assumption is pretty absurd, especially considering that my upperstudy was on leave on one of those days. a polite reply would always include "yes" and "thank you". and thus, that's what I can offer.

what is comforting behind all this are the fringe benefits, friendship of those in Headquarters, and the much appreciated comfort of my upperstudy who assures me that "she's always like that!" I wouldn't say it's all bad; she's a good sort, really, though her unappealing side might tend to surface work-wise. then again, she has self-admitted it, and so we'll see how we can work to a common understanding. but let's get things clear: I do respect the lady, and she does look into my welfare, so I guess I'm more glad than sad.

it's been rather good then, and very much different from the experience I garnered in the Signal Company. you deal administratively and relationally, and it becomes quickly apparent that the latter plays a hugely significant part in smoothing the flow of work. people have been nice, the place is nice, and so is the food (!). but I miss life back at the company line. it's more of the people than anything else.

reviewing this week and the last, I realised that I actually went for two interviews consecutively last Monday and Tuesday. the second one was for the CGL Training Class, which I promptly missed the first lesson (!!) because I stayed back with the Boss. too garang, some say. but I like him. he's a great guy.

CNY lunch with Commander & the KAHs tomorrow, followed by a Delirious? concert at Church! and I think I shall catch a movie tomorrow. I like movies. I like being lost in movies.

2006-01-31T21:10:00.000+08:00

let us consider II.

after talking to J., suddenly I feel like posting this all over again. perhaps all of us need to be reminded every now and then..

--
there is pleasure in being ordinary.

doing the very same things I've always wanted to do, simple things, but yeah, things I never did get down to doing: humming kookish tunes, helping myself to all those wonderful treats, taking a slow stroll along the beach, buying the occasional cream puff, thinking about the dreams and ambitions I've always had, reading at leisure in bookstores, residing in the perfect recluse of home, lounging in quaint teahouses and taking in the aroma of tea, not having to bother myself with responsibility and commitment, and yes, the occasional visit to the zoo.

I haven't lost that part of myself, have I? and as long as I stay true to what I have and do believe in: the beauty of the human soul, the good in every person, the dreams I had since I was a child, and in particular, love; I realise that the opinions of others don't really matter. there isn't any issue of having to keep up with appearances, or to please, because I am what I am. and if I expect others to see me and know me as who I really am, I have to be the person I am, not some silly character that looks like me, but hey, I actually don't really know. I wish for people to know me, just as I am, just as I know myself. the peace one experiences within is invaluable, yet something many do not possess. it is possible to be the person you once were, before all the dirt of the world started to taint your soul. really. it is.

so what have I been up to all this while? perhaps spending my time on things I know won't work out anyway, things superficial, things temporal. but it's not too late. I can do something about it; turn back, and continue from where I left off. I can change.

understand me for who I am, and not who I try to be.

there is pleasure in being ordinary.
there is pleasure in just being me.

2006-01-22T19:20:00.000+08:00

albeit strange..

but I have a connection with kooky people.

2006-01-22T19:18:00.000+08:00

we all need this.
"People who use four-letter words suffer from poor vocabulary, because they can't think of words to use, which indicates a small frame of thinking."

"People judge you not by how you look or appear, but the moment you open your mouth."

- Rev. Dr. Kong Hee

positive confession is powerful, and I've had first-hand encounters of the might it harnesses. the spoken word is a creative force that can change your world. things come into existence and being when you speak to the atmosphere. I remember Dr. A. R. Bernard saying that because God upholds the universe by the word of His power, should He fail to confess, the worlds as we know will fall apart and fade into oblivion. for so as God created the heavens and the earth by the creative power of His Word, our words create and frame the world we live in.

this is not Word-Faith theology or some motivational lesson, it very simply is the truth of the Word coming into substance and form by the power of confession. and there you have it: Revelation, Visualisation, Confession.

2006-01-21T05:19:00.000+08:00

You're here. and that's all that matters.

I've just been reminded of how fleeting time is.

have you realised it's almost a month into the new year? and there remain many things I have yet to get started on. as I was worshipping, I felt God placing a gentle reminder in my heart to muster up my strength, and yes, courage, to go the distance. this year will bring new challenges, fresh encounters, and already I have the foreknowledge of the deep travailing I will be undergoing. I've been praying for His covering to be with me, His grace to sustain me. and as I was asking for a word, it came, and has been my guiding verse ever since.

Psalm 119:127 says,
"I hope in Your Word."

so there it is, five words, and yet contain the entirety of the promises of God. isn't that beautiful?

maybe I haven't said this explicitly, but I'm thankful, very, for this blessed life that I have. amazing love from God, incredible favour with people, positioned to give more than to receive. people say I seem so 'holy' and 'into God', but really, the truth is I'm in love with God simply because I've discovered the fact: that He first loved me. if I could be more honest, in actuality I ain't the kind to easily believe or engage in something I don't find substantial. in fact, I daresay I have the potential to be one of the worst critics ever seen. in a way, I'm like the Apostle Paul, once known as Saul, he persecuted Christians to an extent far greater than anyone else, yet, when he had a life-changing encounter, his direction turned the other way. He's real. God is for real. and so when anyone today expresses scorn or disbelief for the faith I pursue, they really don't know what they're talking about. had they known me before I knew Him, I would very possibly be more condemning than all of them put together. but I'm thankful that all that has changed. I'm thankful that in this world of bitterness and gloom, I've found meaning, purpose, direction and destiny. there're so many today who don't have a reason to live, don't know what they're here for, meant to do, should be doing. but all that's different with Jesus.

He's lighted up my world, and I'm not afraid to proclaim Him as King and Lord of my life.

2006-01-21T04:49:00.000+08:00

treatsie!

dinner with the five was a great treat. thanks once again for the hospitality!

Mei gave me 4 (!) earstuds and Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul. that was real sweet! but I wonder when I'm gonna finish reading all my books. try to imagine my horrified expression right now at the knowledge that I have at least 30 books pending perusal.

Memoirs of a Geisha was both intellectually and emotionally stimulating. I marvelled at the breathtaking scenery and skilful crafting, but what blew me away was the imagery. now that was what made the show a must-see. but I don't understand Zhang Ziyi's halting English at times, and pitch-perfect enunciation at others. does that mean the show was filmed over a long period of time, which enabled her to improve on her language, or that she plainly rehearses certain lines more than others. it's really weird.

I have a tummyache, I reckon it's from the ton of food I ate. yes, I enjoy eating, so don't laugh. umm, that doesn't include cookhouse food. cookhouse food..okaaaay.

2006-01-16T18:19:00.000+08:00

...

what does it mean to love, to live?
to embrace, to kiss,
what does it mean?
to lose someone, to be unsure of regaining them,
to live a life, destitute and sorrowful,
full of confusion and regret?

the storm brings the rain, and the bleeding sun blinds,
casts a shadow of doubt upon the observer.
when will we see the rainbow across the horizon?

2006-01-16T18:18:00.000+08:00

and you shall be called:

focus. hope. spirit. attitude. purpose. faith. grace. champion. discover. vision. soul. destiny. righteousness. body. break those walls. heart. disciple. conqueror. peace. multitude. protection.

love.

2006-01-09T22:34:00.000+08:00

the curse of the pill.

with the big air-conditioner blowing from the skies above, an unmistakeable shiver runs down my spine. my nose quivers and head spins like a top. and so I'm sitting in the study, typing away as the distant sounds of girlish laughter reach my ears. what seems ordinary has now become a myriad of colours, dashing across my mind's eye, fleetingly. all seems brighter, all fades away. a slumber in thought, reducing motion to a crawl in the horizon. in that instant, desire fades away, becomes no more than a memory waiting to be recollected like an old, dusty book. and there we're at it again, and there I am, and here you are.

boy, am I sick.

2006-01-07T00:22:00.000+08:00

*

what can I say?
words alone fail to describe love and eternity.

a love so real. rapturous. euphoric. intensely divine.
Your eternity.

Heaven

I need Your love like the desert needs the rain
I need Your touch like the fire needs the flame

One moment without You near
This heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with You O Lord
Is Heaven I long to know
Heaven

Come cover me like the ocean meets the shore
Shine on my life like the morning stills the night

One moment without You near
This heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with You O Lord
Is Heaven I long to know
Heaven

2006-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

happy 2006 from me to you! :)

my prayer:

"You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance.
--Psalm 65:11

New Year's eve was spent with Appreciation Cell & a barbecue at my place. and it was g-r-e-a-t. thanks guys, for making the end of 2005 a most memorable one (especially with my blackened walls! haha!). and for the 'Faithful' award! it's been my pleasure to be able to serve and minister to you this year. may the Lord continue to pour forth wisdom and love in the new year.

spent the last few moments of 2005 with Mei on the phone. boy, I'm so gonna miss you when you're gone. but let's talk about that another time. spend your time fruitfully!

at the start of this new beginning, I'd like to take the time to thank these people for a glorious 2005. you've been wonderful, and you are precious to me.

the year was significant because of you.

adam, ai hui, aldwin, alex, alvin, angie, aunt maj, aunt monnie, aunt pat, binny, bmt mates & instructors, briony, camp mates & commanders, cassan, cat, chee yang, City Harvest, cpt. lee, dad, daniel, darius, ding, emmy, eric, esther, E310, fel, felicia, gary, george, gor, grace, gran, greg, guorong, hasif, heng tin, heri, huiru, huiz, jackie, jen, jeremiah, Jesus, jo, josephine, kel, kenneth, khala, li yong, mar, mark, max, meijian, mel, melvin, miang, ms. chew, ms. lim, ms. tan, mum, pamela, pang qi, Pastor Kong, raven, ronald, royston, samantha, samuel, shadrach, shawn, shumin, si han, siti, sonia, staff wendy, Sun, teik kheng, titus, terence, vanessa, wats, weibao, wei siang, weiquan, wei ying, yanling, yunus, zhisheng

note to self: update this when mind is less clouded & incoherent.

2005-12-30T04:04:00.000+08:00

clickety-click.

decided to try out the Church's online donation system. I've got to say, it's way cool.

2005-12-30T03:28:00.000+08:00

it's killing me.

at the screening of King Kong..

one. "Mummy! Help me open!! (rustles packs of chips)"
two. "Mummy! Mummy!! MUMMY!!"
three. "I want I want!"
four. *cries*
five. "I want to eat what cheche is eating!!"

rotate the above actions randomly, and you'll get a three-hour show. an utterly scandalised one, by this little boy who sat on his mother's lap and pranced around her seat throughout. better yet, his mother does not do anything and continues watching the show no one else is enjoying because of her degenerate offspring. I think basic courtesy just flew right out of the window.

second night in a row I'm getting this. I'm more than thankful then, to be able to withdraw into my world of greek mythologies and contemporary literature for tomorrow.

for a while.

2005-12-29T05:52:00.000+08:00

City Harvest. My Home.

2005-12-29T04:31:00.000+08:00

lovin' & livin'.

I'm rather amused at the way people behave at a concert.

was at Victoria for a friend's band performance, and got myself and Em nice seats right next to the aisle. so this pretty teenage girl comes by, and waddles in with the rest of her friends to sit with us. everything's fine, that is, until the show begins. once the lights dimmed, ah-girl promptly removed her shoes, crossed her feet on the seat and slumped into her couch! well, that isn't enough to cause an uproar, but ah-girl proves she can do better. she rummages through her little bag, and takes out a bag of orange peel and begins munching!

I was mortified.

and just as I thought her supply of dead citrus skin would run dry after intermission, noooooooooo. ah-girl takes out a fresh pack of dead skin and continues to satisfy her chops!

to make things worse, this other girl in front of us was nodding off to the rhythm of the music pieces! when the wind instruments are being played, she visits Alice in Wonderland, and when the trumpets blare, she awakes with a start and claps heartily as if she has just been through a live rendition of the Three Tenors.

in the end, I managed to laugh it off, so I'm better now.

I'm real proud of Henry, I think all of you did a great job. and thanks to Em for the company. Carl's Jr., for the hundredth time, has admittedly been too big for my mouth.

it was quite a night with Poh too. thanks!

have had a whale of a time celebrating my 20th ever since last week, and I'm extremely grateful and thankful for all the well-wishes and gifts. thanks so very much, to one and all. a marvellous time it has been, and the magic hasn't stopped working.

well well, off to snooze before seeing the big ape tomorrow. naomi watts!

2005-12-25T23:00:00.000+08:00

† the Reason for the Season.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Jesus

& I!

Christmas is probably the most significant season in my life every single year, because I celebrate it right along with my birthday. the joy, peace and love experienced throughout the season, along with the openness of the hearts of many, make this period such an enjoyable time.

I still recall that five years ago, I didn't know the meaning of Christmas, and yet, like everyone else, went for the huge Christmas lunches and dinners, sent greetings and well-wishes, exchanged gifts and cards, and did practically everything anyone else would do. or so I thought. I've realised that Christmas isn't exactly about all this. granted the fact that gestures of goodwill would be wonderful, but Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without Christ.

life wasn't really life as it is now, because it was all about me, my family and friends, and my little corner in society. and boy, was that boring. imagine growing up, finding a job, getting married, having kids, and one day you're gonna lie in bed for the last time. what have you achieved? is that really all there is to life?

I've found a better way: Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. and without Him, life just gets terribly selfish, lonely and boring. even with all your friends surrounding you, you still feel an inexplicable sense of lonelinesss and purposelessness. but with Him, there is life, and life more abundantly. it's no longer I, but Christ who lives in me. and because He is the Kings of kings and Lord of lords, the Creator of the heavens and the earth, you can be so sure it's gonna be such an exciting walk of life.

I like a phrase in the song O Holy Night, where it sings 'a thrill of hope'. truly, in a world which gets gets darker, things get nastier and people just get meaner, He is the hope that has come to visit like a ray of light piercing through the seemingly impenetrable darkness. I know Jesus is for real, because of what He has done in my life. and He's so real, because He's so real in my life. I believe it without a shadow of doubt.

truly, Jesus is the Reason for the Season. and you are His reason. when I think about the lil' Babe in the manger, come to this earth to bear upon Himself the transgressions of Mankind, I can't help but thank Him for his everlasting goodness and love. for how could One so great love someone such as I? and that's where the unconditional love of God comes in: He loves you just as you are, yes, even with all your imperfections and hurts. He'd rather have you with all your issues, than to not have you at all.

this 20th birthday, I pray that His presence and grace will lead me on through another trying year. trying, you say? yes, I prophesy. life is not going to be easy, but it won't be impossible to get through, because nothing is impossible with God. and He is with me, closer than my very breath.

this Christmas, I pray that God will be as real in your life as He is in mine, that you'll stop looking for love in the wrong places, and start seeking the Giver of Love. God is Love. and may His mercy and peace surround you for the coming year of 2006, and bring you to a place of blessing and love you've always been looking for.

Merry Christmas with love. :)

We Are the Reason

As little children, we would dream of Christmas morn'
Of all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realised, a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by we learnt more about gifts
The giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and cloudy day a Man hung crying in the rain
Because of love, because of love

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost he gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do, every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

We are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

He is my reason to live

2005-12-22T00:06:00.000+08:00

we're talking about flow here.

national service is never easy. and all the more so when you intend to disrupt from it to pursue a higher course of study. it appears that due to a new directive set in place last year, those serving two years full-time (aka the 'lucky ones') are disallowed to discontinue their service for a period of study.

and so, disgruntled I won't take that lying down, and because I havetowanttointendto disrupt, I've sent an appeal to higher command requesting leniency.

of course, I joke. it's due to certain personal reasons. but yes, I still do think it's quite strange. especially when those who have served at least 23 months can readily disrupt. now, it doesn't sound terribly logical to me to disrupt out of a term of 23/24 months and return after study to resume the remaining month. or am I getting it wrong?

whatever the case, I am immensely grateful to my designated OC, PC and Ms. AH, who have gone out of their way to provide for me a route out of this confusingly debilitating policy. with appraisals no less than 'outstanding' and the extra letters and paperwork, I am thankful, thankful, thankful. no matter the outcome, I am indebted towards them.

Mel just got his pink IC today. congrats brother. :)

had a great time with Ed, simple tea and time together can mean a lot. also, the miracle dim sum administered by my dear parents yesterday was really good. and so was the time at indochine @ empress place with Gid and Poh. not to mention beancurd and dough sticks (why, am I supposed to say dou jiang you tiao??)! thus, I am considerably cheered up.

and so it's back to camp for some autograph-signing, then to renew my passport. next, marathon Bible-Study (three hours!) teaching with George and lil' Fel, prayer meeting, camera-collection, and beach-talk with B1.

ok, time to plonk into those pillows.

2005-12-19T13:00:00.000+08:00

this and that.

I just received an early birthday present from my CSM:

three extras.

for? covering up someone else's deed.
hmm. great.

oh, and cousin dan's been posted to stagmont for the same course as I was. it'd be splendid should he join me after that.

2005-12-17T00:30:00.000+08:00

a tale of two apples.

May 2004.

November 2004.

sizin' up.

boxx.

a new future.

2005-12-16T14:30:00.000+08:00

goodbye.

you left so abruptly.

with so many dreams unfulfilled, yet you went away untimely. can I even begin to express the pain?

not too long ago, we were talking, and you told me you were on a bike course. and I told you not to continue with it. I hoped you wouldn't. because I know what bikes can lead to. and you only got your bike for two weeks.

and now you're gone.
I will never forget how you looked lying in that sacred box, waiting for the fiery flames that signal all but this life's end.

you're my friend and my brother.

all those times we talked easily, prowled together on guard duty, played computer games, watched lord of the rings, texted each other, had one another for support in this trying service, seem light years away.

Dearest Gary, I miss you already.

2005-12-16T14:14:00.000+08:00

to God be the glory!

last service at Jurong West Street 91. the memories emoted all over again : love, joy, tears, pain, triumph, victory.

throughout these four years, God has shown Himself Faithful and True. thank You Jesus, for running this race with me.

truly, with all my heart, soul and mind,

to God be the glory!

[041205]

2005-12-16T13:54:00.000+08:00

I need you.

what these darlings need is a chance in life. very often, we fuss about the needs and wants of ourselves and those we know and love. well, admittedly that isn't wrong. but how about all these precious ones that have been hurt since they were born? they've never known what it's like to be healthy, to have a family, people who genuinely care. they don't even know what it's like to have a nice clean place they can call home. or mcdonald's. or computer games. or fun. and definitely don't know who is a mum or a dad.

true, life isn't always fair. but hey, you be the one to deal out the fairness in life. you be the one to iron out the wrong and set things right. you be the one to give hope, more than to just your circle of warmth, to those who are waiting out there in the cold.

they're saying,

"I need YOU."

Not Too Far From Here

Somebody's down to their last dime,
Somebody's running out of time,
Not too far from here

Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust
Somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep

Now, I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak your love to every needful ear
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here

[221105]

2005-12-01T02:45:00.000+08:00

hmm.

lying on the damp grass dressed in civvies, facing the rubber trees silhouetted against the open sky in Pulau Tekong and amid the screams of a hundred men, I'm beginning to wonder if there's anything more bizarre than this..

posted via wmlj

2005-11-19T20:20:00.000+08:00

a hope not far off.

"And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple."

-Jesus
Luke 14:27

friday was spent fruitfully.

attended choir practice, gave Bible Study, and then went for Overnight Prayer meeting. the glory and presence of God was so strong in the meeting, and I received flashbacks of the years I've spent worshipping at Jurong West Street 91. I still remember vividly the time the building was first opened, and I was one of the pioneers who went down in the evening to clean up and spruce up the whole place. I don't think many have seen the church building in its virginal state; before the curtains in the main auditorium were put up, before the speakers were installed, before the stairs even had railings. and how I cleaned every single seat in the auditorium. ah, those wonderful memories.

I recalled even back to the time at Hollywood, where all we had was an old cinema for a church building. but what made it unforgettable was the love and presence of the Spirit that flowed freely throughout. I'll never forget how the last service with Hillsong was like, or the manner in which we moved to the West.

truly, now calls for a different time and season: City Harvest Church is moving to the Singapore EXPO. once again we're called to rise up and step out of our comfort zones to serve the Lord. never once has servitude been easy, but that's what carrying the Cross is all about. if it doesn't cost me anything to serve the Lord, I wouldn't do it. it wouldn't mean anything to me anyway. truth be told, it isn't exactly effortless to move once again, afterall we have sowed with all our might and tears in Jurong West. it is our Miracle Building. a place where the world didn't believe could exist, a foundation no other church has performed, a feat of technological marvel the world has never seen.

yet, it is time to obey. it is time to gird up our loins and go the distance for Jesus once more. it will not be smooth-sailing, it will honestly, be quite rough. but I am prepared to sacrifice. a growth of 10,000 in 4 years is a worthy reminder that there is no price too great to pay to fulfill His kingdom purposes in my life.

so it's two more weeks and three more services to go, then farewell, Miracle Building.

we're moving on to the Promised Land.

2005-11-14T21:04:00.000+08:00

my truth.

during service yesterday, Pastor Ulf preached about calling and our first love, Jesus. indeed, once again we are being called to a deeper level of ministry and love for God. while I'm glad to say that I haven't lost a bit of that fire for Him, I'm even more pleased to know that my love for Jesus has grown every single day.

His grace, mercy and love have kept me as I am, kept me from falling, and everytime I'm called to step out, despite the pain, I have obeyed. and He has proven Himself faithful again and again. a vast number of challenges I face daily, but the Holy Spirit has kept me going on. the tears, heartache, sheer pain. but everytime I come before His throne, I know with all my heart that I will always follow Him, because there is no one else I desire on this earth.

Jesus, I'm loving You more with each passing day.

Jesus I Adore You

I open my life to You
Lord I want to be pure
Jesus You're breath to my soul
You know what I think, what I feel

Jesus I adore You
To You my Saviour I will sing
You know me through and through
You're closest to my heart the One who beats
And Jesus I adore You
I love with the deepest of my soul
I rest inside Your arms
And I trust You to lead me on

2005-11-02T22:50:00.000+08:00

...

looking back at the numerous mountains and valleys we've crossed together, side-by-side, edging each other on, your strength greater than mine. a cold winter's night, a particularly harsh summer, still, moving on. and I didn't have to look, somehow I knew, with every fibre of my being, the core of my heart, you would be there.

and you never really left.

I could cry.

2005-10-30T23:19:00.000+08:00

in a few words..

yay to b-l-o-c-k leave! :D

2005-10-25T21:54:00.000+08:00

kooky intentions!

today was spent filming an incredibly lame video, thanks to A.!

although I'm unable to divulge the contents of the film at this moment in time, I have to say it will be rather enjoyable, considering the hard work and pure cheek put into it! now I know what it means when producers take years to come up with a two-hour movie. for a minute of unadulterated hilarity, we took hours under the scorching mid-day sun. and I've been rewarded with a sunburnt face.

I can't wait to see the video. =)