June 29, 2007

Inconsequential Consequences.

Ros
That's it, then, is it? (No answer, he looks out front.) The sun's going down. Or the earth's coming up, as the fashionable theory has it. (Small pause.) Not that it makes any difference. (Pause.) What was it all about? When did it begin? (Pause, no answer.) Couldn't we just stay put? I mean no one is going to come on and drag us off. . .They'll just have to wait. We're still young. . .fit. . .we've got years (Pause. No answer.) (A cry) We've done nothing wrong! We didn't harm anyone. Did we?

Guil
I can't remember.

Ros pulls himself together.

Ros
All right, then. I don't care. I've had enough. To tell you the truth, I'm relieved.

And he disappears from view.
Guil does not notice.

Guil
Our names shouted in a certain dawn. . .a message. . .a summons. . .there must have been a moment, at the beginning, where we could have said -- no. But somehow we missed it. (He looks round and sees he is alone.) Rosen -- ? Guil -- ? (He gathers himself.) Well, we'll know better next time. Now you see me, now you --

And disappears.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Eugene O'Neill

Much has transpired during the many days. I have been running the entire gamut of emotions, part of it due no thanks at all to the recent bout of illness I experienced and am still recovering from. Many things have been on my mind, and when I look back, the most glaring thing is that I have been going on and on and on and on and on.

The talk with Family the other day made me realise one thing: how much I have been missing out on what is and always has been important to me. A long time ago, I gave up the thought of living life for oneself, but rather, finding meaning in true living and all that it encompasses, not mere existence. And so I embarked on my own intrepid journey of self-discovery and discovering what lies beneath form and facade. I'm glad to say I have found much, but will not hide the fact that every winner comes out of battle victorious, but sadly, scarred.

The danger of being too well-versed with one's own craft is one that is but a glitch in itself: the familiar always stumbles. Sometimes, we become too good at doing certain things, such that one tends to forget, or rather, has come to forget the very reason why he or she set foot on that road in the first place. We become too professional, too sophisticated for our own good. For the Bible-toting Christian, call it Martha-fied if you will. Being too concerned with achieving the end has resulted in obsession with eventuality and not journey, form and not substance. At the end of the day, one simply becomes an extremely skilled machine capable of producing commendable results, but little emotion. Humanoid does not mean Human.

Over the past few months, it has been remarkably easy to get into motion, and be set in state for smooth delivery of everything worth mentioning. However, if there is little recollection of what really transpired, then work becomes merely work, living becomes mere living, existence is in itself a truth. If there is no invested memory, there is no investment at all.

After Menacing May '06, this year's proved to be a chart-topper. Willie, Willard and Willard II caused me to re-discover what it means to spend time with what you desire, and enjoy the deserving little treats in life. This could only be possible to Jen, Mel & Pam who made things happen for me. Thanks guys. A second thing was a first encounter, followed by a subsequent decision I made that I knew in my heart it would be one I would keep with every breath and ounce of strength I could muster.

Choices are easy to make, but never easy to keep. However, sometimes you wonder whether the reasons for Failure and Misunderstanding have anything to do with self, or more to do with the interaction of Self and Others. And it is precisely because we are all intricately wired up in our own little ways, which makes harmony a challenge. There has been much denial of oneself, and many a time, perhaps too often a time in fact, having to deal with the uncomfortable struggle of unknowing your placing and where you actually do stand. At times, it is good to be around, but at other times, it would be better to just keep away. So, what is?

This evening as I was out, I had the opportunity to reflect on a whole list of matters, and I'm extremely thankful for the upcoming trip to Taiwan. It will prove to be a great getaway from everything, and give me some room to collect my thoughts, walk on with my vision and have some time to myself. God knows I need it.

On the road home as Mic was sending me, I gazed out at the dim passing lights and easeful scenery, and fell in love with serenity all over again. Everyone deserves to be happy. And so, I will be.
gid posted at 03:32